Single Mother “By Choice”

It’s the middle of the night and all the Shapiro girls have fevers: the baby, the toddler, and me.  The three-month-old has just projectile vomited on me four times.  Then the three-year-old walks right into the puke on the floor, trailing it all the way back to her bed.  I’m frantically trying to clean everything up – the floor, the girls, and me.  There’s no one here to help because I’m alone.  I’m always alone.

I’m what you call a Single Mother by Choice or SMC.  We are a growing group of women that has intentionally had a baby (or in my case, babies) without a partner.

I actually despise the term SMC, because except for one mother, I don’t know any women who have intentionally chosen to end up alone.  It’s just the way the cookie crumbled. Lives moved on, careers took off, but the love lives never did. We didn’t choose to be single, but despite being single we did choose to become moms. To me, that’s the only part of the term that’s accurate or fair.

We didn’t choose to be single, but despite being single we did choose to become moms. 

Many people assume I got pregnant out of fear that I was getting old.  That wasn’t the case.  I know someone who was going through the fertility process, which made me want to learn more about my own situation. I went to a clinic and had all the necessary tests done, and I was told that at 35 I was almost completely infertile and likely an early menopause candidate.

When I got my numbers the doctor explained that there was no time to wait for what he called my “white knight.” He said I was in this position because of genetics and if I wanted to be a mother I would need to get pregnant right away.

Suddenly a decision had to be made and fast.  For me, it was the easiest and hardest decision of my life.  Easiest because I knew with every fiber of my being that I was meant to be a mom and if this was the only way, then so be it.  Hardest because it’s a huge decision to make and not one that should be taken lightly.

I began a ridiculous amount of due diligence, from reading books to speaking with doctors, to regularly meeting with a psychologist, a fertility counselor, and a support group of women who were either considering becoming, in the process of becoming, or already an SMC.

I quickly realized that unlike a number of women pondering this big decision, I never worried if I was strong enough to withstand the hardships of being a single parent.  On that front at least, I knew I was ready.  In fact, the more I researched, the more it solidified in my mind that I was going to do this. It was just a question of when.

Nevertheless, becoming an SMC will change the trajectory of your life forever, and also profoundly affect that of your would-be child.  That means you need to mourn the idea of the nuclear family, then move on.  You have to accept that by fulfilling your dream of becoming a parent, you may be sabotaging your chance and more importantly your child’s chance of ever experiencing being part of a “traditional” family.

That thought made my heart ache.  To know I was potentially robbing my child of something seemed the opposite of being motherly.  Was I being selfish?  Did my yearning to be a mother and knowing I would be a great one deservedly outweigh bringing a child into this world without another parent?

Of course, I had hoped I’d be one of the rare lucky ones who would meet somebody willing to take on my little family.  However, I had to be prepared that choosing this route meant I could be alone indefinitely and that my little peanut would just have me, and no one else.

I reached out to people I knew who were raised by single mothers and had no relationship with their fathers.  A common theme emerged of deep admiration, love, and respect for their moms.  They didn’t feel like they were lacking for anything in their childhood and they attributed their current accomplishments, drive, and determination to succeed to their mothers.  If she could raise a child (or family) alone, they knew they could do anything.  That moved me.

So, I took the plunge and miraculously got pregnant.  Nevertheless, the pregnancy wasn’t without complications.  I was pregnant with twins, but ended up having a heterotopic pregnancy and lost one.  Not long after that my dad got sick and unexpectedly died.

In a span of less than five months I had gotten pregnant with no father for this child, and had lost her sibling and her only grandfather.  It was a confusing time, trying to understand how and why all of this was happening. Looking back, I am so grateful that my father had at least been around to support the biggest decision of my life.

His loss reminded me that life is short.  My life has not at all turned out the way I had envisioned, but I am so much richer that it ended up the way it did because I have my two girls.

Yes, I had a second child alone.

There is a constant heaviness that sits on your shoulders when you’re an SMC.  It’s a financial weight and a “what if” fear that can eat at you if you let it.  I’m sure all parents have those worries, but they’re much more intense when you’re alone.

I wanted to know that if something ever happened to me, my daughter would have a sibling who could hopefully understand her and be there for her.  Three years later I took a chance — again.  The statistics weren’t on my side.  In fact, a number of times it didn’t work and then, on what I had promised myself would be my last go, it did.

Life is funny that way.  For a girl who was supposed to be a premenopausal candidate, I somehow ended up getting very lucky and having two beautiful daughters.  Does that mean the doctor was wrong? Could I have waited for my ‘white knight’ after all?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.

I see how hard women I know are trying to have children and I just thank my lucky stars that I went for it when I did.  It’s not the route for everyone. If you had asked me twenty years ago if I thought I’d be an SMC I would’ve said “hell, no” but knowing what I know now, if you asked me if I’d do it all again, I’d say “hell, yes.”


Contributor

Rebecca Shapiro

Rebecca Shapiro is a pseudonym.


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