You are the mother of all fertility treatments: The BIG one. You’re the one I hoped and wished I would never have to do.
You’re the one I’m begging and rooting for now.
You’re the one responsible for my crying nights. The one that makes my emotions seesaw from hope to fear in an instant. You have consumed my every thought and because of you it seems nothing else has mattered.
You see, IVF, when I started with you I was so naïve that I truly thought you were going to work simply because it took so many years—and many therapy sessions—for me to come to terms with you. I had to grieve the loss of natural conception. It was so hard to let go of the idea of how it was supposed to be versus how it was going to be.
After all it took to accept you, IVF, I admit that I didn’t comprehend that you might not work not just once but multiple times.
But here I am weeks away from my third and final transfer. I’ve already lost three embryos in the previous two transfers and I’m scared out of my mind that I will suffer the same fate again.
This is literally and figuratively my last shot, my last chance of you working for me.
I have just two golden embryos left, so surely you can understand my urgency. I don’t think I can handle continuing this anymore. If I could get a guarantee that I could have a baby if I kept trying, then of course I would keep trying, but no one can give me that guarantee.
Sometimes in life letting go is what you need to save your sanity, and the idea of letting go can be scary. I battle with this constantly because I never wanted to give up on being a mom.
There’s nothing more that I want to able to say than “I’m Pregnant!” but I have to decide for myself and my mental health to move on, because my peace of mind is beginning to feel sabotaged. I’ve lost myself thanks to you and your sidekick “infertility.”
You’ve hurt so many women by giving them hope and snatching it away. Do you understand the ramifications you leave behind? IVF, I write to you because I need to decompress the feelings in my heart. I’ve been through more than I ever thought I could bear. I’m trying to heal myself from within in order to move forward this last time.
I know what I’m asking for isn’t impossible.
I’ve also seen you bless thousands of women with their miracle babies. I’m hoping for my miracle. I pray that I can
praise you for the blessings rather than curse you. Please IVF, come through
for me, too.
— Your IVF Patient
Melissa T. Caceres is a Human Resources Representative for Hillsborough County Public Schools. She is originally from The Bronx, New York, but now lives in Tampa, Florida, with her husband of 15 years. She has been struggling with infertility for ten years and has undergone many fertility treatments. Writing has been her solace during her journey to motherhood.
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