Pregnantish Profile: Brittany and Quesse and Their “Angel Baby”, Saije

BRITTANY AND QUESSE AND THEIR “ANGEL BABY”, SAIJIE
Scroll down to hear the song “Till We Meet Again”

Brittany and her fiancé, singer-songwriter Quesse, met at work in 2019 and knew right away that they wanted to be together and raise a family together. In fact, having a baby was one of the first wishes they had as a couple, so they were thrilled when they learned they were expecting a baby girl. They named their daughter Saije, and couldn’t wait to meet her. 

At 30 weeks pregnant, Brittany woke up knowing something was wrong. They headed to the hospital and did everything to save their daughter, but sadly, she didn’t make it. 

Today, Brittany and Quesse talk about the blessings they’ve received from Saije and use their platforms to honor their little girl, who they now call their angel. 

Quesse has also honored his daughter through his writing and music (click on his song, “Till We Meet Again” below).  According to the Wet Rap Music blog, “What inspired Quesse to make music was the idea of being a voice for the voiceless and using his creative abilities to share his own perspective, musical flavor, and stories…”

Here’s more on Brittany and Quesse’s family story and why they want to share Saije with the world.

Q: When did you know you wanted to have a baby together? 

Brittany: It was literally love and first sight when Quesse and I met in 2019. We moved in with each other and have been inseparable ever since. Starting a family together was one of the first wishes we had. We are both family oriented people and were obsessed with the idea of sharing our unconditional love with our baby. We knew that Saije was our missing piece. When we found out we were expecting, our world changed for the best. At the time we were homeless and jobless but we were so happy to know that in a few months we’d meet our daughter. That’s all we cared about, honestly.

Q: What is your pregnancy and loss story?

Brittany: It was May 1st, 2020 and I had just made 30 weeks. I couldn’t sleep all night and I’m glad I didn’t. I had been throwing up all night and felt one big kick around 6 a.m. I was worried and confused. I called my doctor around 9am once I realized the pain hadn’t subsided. I explained that I’d been having contractions all morning and they hadn’t stopped yet. I tried walking, showering, moving, and nothing helped. The pain became unbearable. My tummy began to get rock hard. At this point, I hadn’t felt my baby girl kick for hours and I couldn’t even touch my tummy without crying. I woke Elijah (Quesse) up around 10am after I’d tried everything on my own. I told him what I had been feeling. I was scared, but I didn’t want to worry him because he just woke up and I wanted to be positive and not think the worst. 

Saije was an angel in disguise. She was the best gift we’ve ever received. We got pregnant at a time when we were at our lowest. Once we found out, I can’t put into words how much my thinking changed. She has brought out so many blessings.

We got to the hospital and more than ten doctors tried listening to Saije’s heart but they couldn’t hear anything. She had the strongest and loudest heart prior to that. I knew something was wrong. At this point I felt my world got dark. 

The doctors realized my placenta had detached. My blood pressure was really high and apparently, I was about to die. I was immediately hooked up to magnesium, to prevent seizures. I was told I had to deliver soon. 

My blood pressure wasn’t going down, and the doctors were scaring us. They kept saying how if something went wrong during birth I could bleed out. They spoke of an emergency c-section several times. I was so afraid to go to sleep, and I started praying and repenting. I honestly believed that these were my last days. I felt like I was dying. 

I delivered Saije at John Hopkins on May 2nd 2020 at 1:30 pm.  It was just me and Elijah. Because of Covid, no one could visit us.  I delivered our baby girl with such ease. I did not bleed out like they feared, I healed properly and I survived “preeclampsia”.   

Quesse:

On May 1st, 2020 my fiancée was just about 30 weeks pregnant. I was in a very deep sleep and she came to me at 5 am to tell me she thought she needed to go to the hospital because she was sick throwing up and not sleeping the whole night. I noticed her stomach was tighter than usual. All the fluid from our baby’s amniotic sack hardened so I knew right away we needed to go to the hospital. At this point it was about 10 in the morning. I had very high hopes that we might be delivering early, and that we were going to be leaving the hospital with our baby. 

That morning was a complete nightmare that I would never like to relive again. The first thing I heard from a doctor was that our baby’s heart had stopped beating. I didn’t know what to do besides cry because I really wanted my baby girl and I couldn’t have her. Imagine meeting such an amazing soul, that tickles you when she presses up against you in the womb, and now not having a heart beat. 

My whole world crashed. 

Shortly after we discovered that news, the doctors stated that Brittany was going to have to deliver the baby that morning. (She wasn’t due until July 11, 2020.) We were not prepared at all for the complications we faced. At this time I thought I was gonna lose both of my babies because my fiancé grew very ill once they started giving her all of these medicines. I think it was all even scarier because we weren’t allowed to have any support due to Covid, and we were both young – only 23 and 24 years old. 

Once our hospital realized that they weren’t going to finish the procedure we received a message saying they were going to transfer her to Johns Hopkins Hospital because they didn’t have enough resources there, which I still find very weird because babies are being born every day, you know? I believe that’s something ALL hospitals should be prepared for, but moving on, she successfully delivered within the first hour we were at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

My fiancée is a soldier, a survivor, and an amazing mother. Unfortunately, we couldn’t save our daughter in time. We think about her every day and we miss her every day. We use this tragic story to spread awareness, and help those who feel lonely realize they aren’t alone.

Doctors at the first hospital claimed she would bleed out, but she didn’t. They also claimed she would have high blood pressure for the rest of her life, but she doesn’t. They made us believe the absolute worst. She survived “preeclampsia” & no longer has it. 

My fiancée a soldier, a survivor, and an amazing mother. Unfortunately, we couldn’t save our daughter in time. We think about her every day and we miss her every day. We use this tragic story to spread awareness, and help those who feel lonely realize they aren’t alone. 

Q: You’ve written that Saije ‘continues to shine a light on us’. Can you share more on this?

Brittany: Saije was an angel in disguise. She was the best gift we’ve ever received. We got pregnant at a time when we were at our lowest. Once we found out, I can’t put into words how much my thinking changed. She has brought out so many blessings. 

She always shines her light wherever we go. She gave me so much strength during the delivery. My birth was extremely painful because I was 10 weeks early and my body wasn’t ready yet and I had to get induced.  But, the moment it was time to push, it felt like something came over me. Saije, her spirit was there, helping me ease the pain. I feel her spirit everyday. I realized it was her spirit that we first fell in love with. She has left a print on this world forever. 

Quesse: Saije was definitely an angel. I’ve never connected with someone in such a way. I would tap my fiance’s stomach once, and Saije would tap twice to let me know she heard me. Whenever she felt me she would tickle me and not stop kicking, almost as if she was happy to feel me. 

She has touched the hearts of those that never met her. Whenever anyone says the name Saije, they always follow up with how that name makes them feel. A lot of people have told me her energy was joyful, youthful, and they could just feel it by saying her name. She was very special, indeed. The name Saije represents purity and innocence. Saije is what I aspire to be: joyful and youthful. She has definitely left a mark on us and those around us. I believe her light has brought a lot of us even closer than we were before, and to me that can only be done by an angel.

Q: How have you processed the grief associated with losing your baby? We know you wrote a song. How did that come about? 

Quesse: Talking about Saije has helped me heal my grief. We still have her hat from the hospital and that calms me. We also have not gotten rid of any of Saije’s things. They were bought for her and I find comfort in seeing her toys and seeing her little clothes. Connecting with other angel moms has helped me feel like I’m not alone. 

For all my angel dads it is okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not know it all, it’s okay to not have it all figured out, it’s okay to grieve, its okay to need help. You are not alone.

I remember feeling punished by God. I had little information about stillbirth at the time. I thought we were the only ones affected and I was wrong. Helping other moms heal their grief also helps me and listening to songs about grief also helps me. Journaling has been a great help, too. I write a letter to Saije every time I get really sad hoping that she receives it somehow.

I’ve fully accepted what happened. I’ve accepted I can’t change the situation. Sometimes it hits me all over again like, “Wow, we really lost our baby”; but then I remember her spirit and that she will always be with us – an energy like that can’t die. I think about her a lot, the way I’ve expressed and grieved her is through music. I’ve used music to help me cope with this loss. 

I also spend a lot of time with my fiancée because being around her makes me feel like everything is okay. In a lot of ways, being around her makes me feel like my daughter is still here. When I look at her I see a lot of our baby girl in her. She was a split image of us both, but she has my fiancée’s nose and cheeks. I spend a lot of time kissing my fiancée’s cheeks now, lol.

Q: Anything else to add?

Quesse: 

For all my angel dads it is okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not know it all, it’s okay to not have it all figured out, it’s okay to grieve, its okay to need help. You are not alone. 

For all of my angel moms it is okay to cry, its okay to be sad, it’s okay to not know it all, it’s okay to not have it all figured out, it’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to need help. you are not alone. 

Brittany will be releasing a book in the future discussing our story and participating in support groups to help others that are in need. 

Editor’s note: Quesse has recently released an album titled “The Black Sheep” that talks about goals, dreams, losses, and cultural empowerment. He’s dedicated two songs to his daughter titled “My sweet child” & “Lost” that were made to connect with those who have experienced any loss, including infant loss. Listen to “Quesse Smoke – Till We Meet Again”


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