How Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Taught Me To Ask For Help

I was crying. I was at work. I did not want to be crying at work.

But there I was, doing it all the same. Sneaking out of the conference room. Hiding in the ladies room until my red eyes were plausibly passable as allergies.

I was repeating a now familiar pattern: suffering silently through my years-long journey with infertility and pregnancy loss, confiding my deepest fears only to Google queries, becoming overwhelmed, and then breaking down, often someplace inconvenient, definitely ill-timed, and always disruptive. 

Infertility and loss are hard. But they are even harder if you’re not open to asking for help. Asking for help felt like an admission I was not yet ready to make. Instead I said, “I’m fine.”

As we observe National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance this month, the quiet weight of our grief is met with collective acknowledgment. For those of us accustomed to holding our pain close, taking that first step to share can feel overwhelming. The suggestions that follow are offered with compassion to help you begin to identify your needs and effectively ask for help, turning isolation into an opportunity for connection.

Why It’s Often Hard to Ask For Help

For many of us, the very thought of asking for help brings up feelings of weakness, embarrassment, and vulnerability. 

Amidst my family building journey, I put so much energy into being “strong” and “capable”—managing cycles, enduring procedures, continuing to succeed at work—that asking for help felt like an admission I was not yet ready to make. 

Instead I said, “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine” was a lonely lie I told myself over and over again. 

“I’m fine” because I didn’t have the time or energy to be anything else but fine. 

“I’m fine” because when I did find the courage to share my pain, I was met with an unhelpful response that returned me to silence.

When we are in deep need, most of us tend to employ one of two strategies (that rarely work):

1. The Hope Strategy: Wait for someone to notice our needs and hope they will spontaneously offer assistance (like our friend in the water)
2. The Unclear Strategy: We ask for help in a vague, almost apologetic way. By avoiding a straightforward request we try to avoid rejection.

When we don’t receive the results we’re hoping for, we’re even more reluctant to ask for help the next time. “I’m fine” was the lonely lie I told myself over and over again. “I’m fine” because I didn’t have the time or energy to be anything else but fine. “I’m fine” because when I did find the courage to share my pain, I was met with an unhelpful response that returned me to silence. 

Facing Our Feelings

We’re often so busy doing, so focused on outcomes, so prone to distract ourselves with our phones, that we rarely stop, recognize our emotions, and actually feel them. What am I feeling? And why am I feeling this way?

Over five years, research professor and author Brené Brown, surveyed more than seven thousand people. The average participant could only recognize and name three emotions: happy, sad, and angry. This lack of vocabulary blocks us from being able to fully experience and share our feelings with others.¹

Emotions that are not acknowledged and dealt with do not magically disappear. They have a nasty way of thriving in darkness, in shame, and in silence and often manifest in less desirable ways  – so it’s worth identifying them.

What Kind of Help Do You Really Need?

Our deepest emotional needs on this journey are often layered on top of our most basic human needs, and they can be hard to separate. 

Right now, do you need to express your feelings about a confusing appointment? Or are you just “hangry” because you missed lunch getting to the clinic? When you can define the need, you gain clarity and forward momentum. Research shows that having a higher perception of personal control can lead to less stress during the fertility process.

It’s crucial to perform frequent check-ins to identify, “what do I need right now?” Recognizing your emotions and translating what’s needed allows you to move from feeling overwhelmed to empowered action:

• Physical Need: “I need someone to pick up my prescription today.”
• Logistical Need: “I need someone to take over meal prep this week so I don’t have to think about food.”
• Emotional Need (Connection): “I need someone to hold my hand in silence because there’s nothing else we can do.”
• Emotional Need (Space): “I need space. Can you watch this movie with me but I’m not ready to talk about what happened?”

Help comes in all of these forms both small and large. When you can define the need, you gain clarity and forward momentum. Research shows that having a higher perception of personal control can lead to less stress during the fertility process. Asking for help is one powerful action you absolutely can control.²

How to Ask For Help Effectively

Social psychologist Heidi Grant, author of the TED Talk “How to ask for help—and get a ‘yes’,” confirms that people are usually more willing to help than we think, but they need very clear directions.

Grant suggests following these four rules for effective asking:

• Be specific. Tell people exactly what you need from them. Instead of saying, “I need help,” say, “Could you watch our dog on Tuesday so my partner and I can go to the clinic?” Specificity removes the burden of guesswork and makes the task feel manageable.
• Avoid disclaimers. Do not start your request with an apology, an excuse, or a bribe. Don’t say, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but…” Simply state your need directly and kindly. Your need is valid, and you don’t need to apologize for it. 
• Make it personal. Research suggests you are 30x more likely to get a “yes” if you ask for help live and in person.
• Help others feel effective. Let people know that their help had a direct, positive impact on you. A simple “Thank you so much for bringing that soup—it meant I could rest today,” reinforces their willingness to help again.

By being specific about what you need, you get closer to receiving the critical support you need. You also offer a gift to your loved ones, who often want to help but don’t know how. By giving them distinct ways they can contribute, you can help them feel connected and significant. 

The Courage to Receive

You’ve done the work: you’ve tapped into your feelings, identified your needs, and learned to articulate them clearly. Yet even with the best intentions, you may still encounter responses that aren’t as tender or helpful as you’d hoped.

To ask for anything—to really put yourself out there—is to open yourself to both possibility and disappointment. By being specific about what you need, you get closer to receiving the critical support you need. You also offer a gift to your loved ones, who often want to help but don’t know how. By giving them distinct ways they can contribute, you can help them feel connected and significant.

This family-building journey is no different, because every step is an act of asking, and every ask carries uncertainty. Bringing a child into your family is the ultimate act of receiving, and the losses we experience along the way can be the deepest heartbreak.

As we mark National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, let this day be a reminder: the grief you carry is proof of immense courage. You have shown the willingness to move forward, even in uncertainty. Now, it’s time to channel that same courage toward seeking the practical and emotional support your own well-being requires.

And that’s what I’ve learned. You have to ask. You have to remain open, often uncomfortably vulnerable, in order to receive. That is the essence of this journey—the asking and the waiting, the hoping to receive. It’s learning to release control and to accept the gifts, both heartbreaking and beautiful, that arrive in their own time. When we do, we stop hiding our pain. We begin to heal in community—supported, connected, and seen.

Adapted from Trying: A Loving Guide to Navigating the Emotions of Infertility and Loss by Alessa Martin and Liz Swenson.

1. Brown, Brené. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House Publishing Group, 2021.
2. Gourounti, Kleanthi, Fotios Anagnostopoulos, Grigorios Potamianos, Katerina Lykeridou, Lone Schmidt, and Grigorios Vaslamatzis. “Perception of control, coping and psychological stress of infertile women undergoing IVF.” PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22503340/. Accessed 1 January 2025.